Opponents of a one-way road system in Macon may have nothing to fear at the moment. Signs objecting to one-way streets in downtown Macon appeared along Washington Avenue this week, but city-county roads officials say they aren't discussing that as an option right now. Bill Causey, with the city engineering office admits that someone may have used the phrase "one-way" in the last few years but he stressed that there are no plans at the moment to implement one-way streets in downtown. "But it really burns me up that they cut us off at the pass. Those CAUTION Macon people are really getting annoying because they've started something," Causey said.

Causey was referring to the plethora of signs appearing all over Macon. Signs of "No Unification" and "No More Scroggins Parodies" appeared in the yards of a number of city council members. Signs of "No City Council" appeared in the yards of numerous county commissioners. "No More Floods" was a popular sign along Riverside Drive and neighborhoods near the river. "No More Politicians" is a popular sign that appeared on numerous street corners where various campaign signs were located. City Council will hold a special meeting to discuss ordinances to control such signs. "These 'No Politician' signs are taking up some of the best real estate and they don't rot as fast as our campaign signs," said one city council member speaking on condition of anonymity.

FORT VALLEY - Desperate times have led the Peach County Chamber of Commerce to take desperate measures, chamber officials said Tuesday during a news conference. That's why chamber officials placed ads in local newspapers criticizing the school board and raising questions about the board's commitment to educating schoolchildren. "We tried the subtle approach and it didn't work," said Peach County Chamber President Wally Wonka. "They just didn't get the hint of what we were saying, so we went for big bold letters to say 'You're a bunch of incompetent boobs!' We want to attract business here and we know this kind of publicity draws 'em like flies to honey."

Schools Superintendent Billy Jack would not comment about the chamber's claim that the school board has been unwilling to listen to the organization's concerns. "I'm not going to confirm or deny the allegation either way," Jack said Tuesday. "But I will say that when I see Wonka, I'm going to kick him up side his head. We're running an ad next week and I'm challenging Wonka to meet me in the Peach Outlet parking lot. He called us 'mediocre' educators but if he shows up I guarantee he'll learn a lesson and learn it good," Jack said.

Eight residents - including Macon City Councilwoman Elaine Lucas, council candidate Filomena Mullis, city executive officer Nancy Terrill and Greater Macon Chamber of Commerce President Paul Nagle - attended the session that was scheduled from 6 to 8 p.m. Nine of the 17 Unification Commission members were present.

The other attending residents were individually interviewed for their take on the meeting. Tracey Jetson, a Payne City resident said, "I thought this was the Mother Ship Telepathy Support Group." Ben Kornell, a student at Mercer University said, "My literature professor said to come to this meeting to hear about mythology. But I was expecting Greek mythology with gods and monsters and stuff." JooJoo Benson a Macon resident said, "The door was open and the air conditioning felt good. Do they have any food here?" A resident who declined to be named said, "Get out of my face, they told me I didn't have to give my name here. I'm waiting to hear about the 12 step program."

Though most politicians and pundits give mayoral candidate Buckner F. Melton the edge over his opponent Jack Ellis based on Melton's experience, name recognition and superior election war-chest, Melton may not be able to overcome the dreaded curse of being endorsed by The Macon Telegraph's editorial board, local election experts said. The mood was somber at Melton's election headquarters and the many long faces glumly stared at each other and visibly winced as each agonizing scream of "No! No! Why me?!" echoed from the back office. Melton volunteers would not confirm that the screams were Melton's voice. Experts agreed that most voters who already supported a candidate won't change their minds based on the Telegraph's endorsement, but among the undecided, it remains to be seen whether Macon has more mind-mush robots who will follow the Telegraph's endorsement or more contrarians who will vote for whomever the Telegraph does NOT endorse. "Who knows," said one local election expert, "This could be the year that voters actually notice the candidates and measure them against one another on some basis other than their skin color. Maybe they'll even think for themselves. It could happen."

ATLANTA - State School Superintendent Linda Schrenko will ask her board next month to budget $27.1 million for school safety programs and to increase the number of art, music and physical education teachers in grades 1-5.

Deputy School Superintendent Bill Gambill said she recommended a similar program last year and the governor chose not to fund it. Since then, the nation was rocked with a school shooting in Littleton, Colo., where 15 died, and a shooting closer to home at Heritage High School in Conyers which wounded six.

Under Schrenko's proposal, school systems would get $20 per full-time student to use for any type safety program. "It might be safety equipment, such as metal detectors, video cameras or cameras on buses," said Gambill. "Or it might be hiring big and intimidating PE teachers to threaten students who might think about causing trouble. If we scare them bad enough in the early grades, they won't cause trouble later."

Her proposal to hire more art, music and physical education teachers in the early grades would cost $33 million but critics in the governor's office say that Shrenko should forget the art and music teachers and focus on physical education teachers to do the intimidating to ensure a safer environment in schools. "Who's really scared of a music teacher waving a conductor's baton? Maybe we should give the PE teachers some police batons or great big paddles to wave around or maybe even some firearms," said Jim Shakey, assistant deputy gopher for the Governor's assistant secretary. "Or, if we cut back enough on teacher's salaries, we could hire body guards for every class in the state," Shakey said.

Education expert and Internet commentator Bob Hirschfeld recommended purchasing bullet-proof vests emblazoned with the Ten Commandments for all students, an idea some Georgia educators liked. "We like the body armor idea, but the Ten Commandments printed on them would raise too much stink with the ACLU types," Gambill said.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins